Happy Hallothanksmas

Ah yes, it's that time of year again; where supernatural creatures roam the Earth, going from house to house, stalking children; and zombie hordes shuffle to and fro mindlessly.  Yes, Christmas is right around the corner.

See what I did there?  Comedy gold.

The more I think about it though, the more I've come to realize that there's a lot more creepy flowing through air than just All Hallow's Eve.

It could be this time of year.  Days are getting shorter, nights longer, and the holiday imagery is getting terrifying. Pumpkins, skeletons, witches, ghosts, Puritans who dress like undertakers, smiling turkeys unaware they're about to be eaten, elves, snowmen, and an immortal flying through the air passing judgement on children.

Maybe some ancestral memory is coded into our DNA that tells us we need to be in a constant state of terror from now until the winter solstice so we don't get eaten by wild animals or freeze to death.  Maybe that's why we make our holidays around this time so eerie.

When we get to spring time holiday imagery, we get hearts and cupids and shamrocks and pots of gold, and bunnies and pastel colors and other super-cheerful stuff, probably because of a similar instinct that makes us just thrilled we survived the winter.

Of course Halloween is supposed to be spooky, and Thanksgiving is a bit of a two-trick pony of pilgrims and turkeys.  But Christmas is full of joy and wonder and warmth, etc, etc.  Christmas imagery on the other hand; when you really look at it, is a lot scarier than Halloween.

Back in the day, my parents had this door covering, vintage 70s/80s.  It was a full-size picture of old St. Nick complete in his holiday garb. I couldn't even look directly at it because Santa was always making eye-contact with me...and reaching out to me.  Open the door it was hanging on?

Hell. No.

I searched the internet to see if I could find an image to share.  While my memories from that era are dim, I'm pretty sure I didn't find the actual one we had, because I didn't start sobbing uncontrollably.

I did find this, which is bad enough:

See you soon kids...real soon.

Then there's this unholy abomination from the 1980s:

That video is like The Ring, once you watch it, you have seven days to makes someone else watch it, or a dancing snowman will find you.

I would run screaming from the room whenever this commercial would air.  There is one very distinct memory I have of burying my head between our couch cushions and yelling as loud as I could until it was over.  I mean, for the love of God, why isn't the audio for this commercial just the two kids bloodcurdling screams at the sight of a monster dancing in some demonic ritual in their front yard.  WHY ARE YOU GOING OUTSIDE?!?!?!

I'm ok....really....

Even as an adult, I used to go for walks late at night, years ago.  One Christmas season, some family made this gigantic angel out of cellophane wrap or something.  It was easily ten feet tall, arms outstretched, featureless face.  I kept expecting it to rip itself loose and chase me down the street.  Silently, of course because it had no mouth.

Oh God, I just found another one.  Remember that Ronald McDonald ice skating one?  Where Ronald just happens to be skating in the woods at some pond where the local kids are heading.

He appears during a full moon, no less.

Oh, and that one about the kid who's a snowman and eats Campbell's soup and melts.

Or the kid is long gone, and the snowman is taking his form.

So, as you pack away your inflatable witches and styrofoam tombstones and start digging out your inflatable Santas and styrofoam igloos; take a good look at them.  And if you don't think they're the stuff of nightmares, I leave you with this:

What has been seen, cannot be unseen.