Saturday, October 31, 2015

Quoth St. Nicholas - Nevermore

To follow up on my "Christmas is Creepy" post, I thought I would totally steal two public domain poems honor two classic poems by Edgar Allen Poe and Clement Clarke Moore by mashing them together.

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'Twas the night before a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore—when all thro' the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
While I nodded, nearly napping suddenly there came a tapping. As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar plums danc'd in their heads,
And Mama in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap —

“’Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door—
            Only this and nothing more.”

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December;
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.

And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me—filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
    So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
    “’Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door—
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door;—
            This it is and nothing more.”

  Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
—here I opened wide the door;—
            Darkness there and nothing more.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below;
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a stately old driver, of the saintly days of yore;
so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and call'd them by name:
"Now! Dasher, now! Dancer, now! Prancer and Vixen,
"On! Comet, on! Cupid, on! Donder and Blitzen;
"To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
"Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound:

    But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door—
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door—

He was dress'd all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnish'd with ashes and soot;
beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,

A bundle of toys was flung on his back,
And he look'd like a peddler just opening his pack:
“Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,” I said, “art sure no craven,
Ghastly grim and ancient elf wandering from the Nightly shore—
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore!”

His eyes — how they twinkled! His dimples: how merry,
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry;
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

Quoth St. Nicholas “Nevermore.”

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.

He had a broad face, and a little round belly
Nothing farther then he uttered.
when laugh'd, like a bowl full of jelly he fluttered

Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
    Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous elf of yore—
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, chubby, and ominous jolly old elf of yore
            Meant in croaking “Nevermore.

    This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the elf whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom’s core;

I laugh'd when I saw him in spite of myself;

 Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
    “Wretch,” I cried, “thy God hath lent thee—by these angels he hath sent thee

Quoth St. Nicholas “Nevermore.”

 “Prophet!” said I, “thing of evil!—prophet still, if elf or devil!—
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
    Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted—
    On this home by Horror haunted—tell me truly, I implore—
Is there—is there balm in Gilead?—tell me—tell me, I implore!”

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And fill'd all the stockings; then turn'd with a jerk,

Quoth St. Nicholas “Nevermore.”

  “Be that word our sign of parting, elf or fiend!” I shrieked, upstarting—
“Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore!

And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
    And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
            Shall be lifted—nevermore!

And laying his finger aside of his nose
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.
He sprung to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew, like the down of a thistle:
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight —
Quoth St. Nicholas "Nevermore a good night."

Happy Hallothanksmas

Ah yes, it's that time of year again; where supernatural creatures roam the Earth, going from house to house, stalking children; and zombie hordes shuffle to and fro mindlessly.  Yes, Christmas is right around the corner.

See what I did there?  Comedy gold.

The more I think about it though, the more I've come to realize that there's a lot more creepy flowing through air than just All Hallow's Eve.

It could be this time of year.  Days are getting shorter, nights longer, and the holiday imagery is getting terrifying. Pumpkins, skeletons, witches, ghosts, Puritans who dress like undertakers, smiling turkeys unaware they're about to be eaten, elves, snowmen, and an immortal flying through the air passing judgement on children.

Maybe some ancestral memory is coded into our DNA that tells us we need to be in a constant state of terror from now until the winter solstice so we don't get eaten by wild animals or freeze to death.  Maybe that's why we make our holidays around this time so eerie.

When we get to spring time holiday imagery, we get hearts and cupids and shamrocks and pots of gold, and bunnies and pastel colors and other super-cheerful stuff, probably because of a similar instinct that makes us just thrilled we survived the winter.

Of course Halloween is supposed to be spooky, and Thanksgiving is a bit of a two-trick pony of pilgrims and turkeys.  But Christmas is full of joy and wonder and warmth, etc, etc.  Christmas imagery on the other hand; when you really look at it, is a lot scarier than Halloween.

Back in the day, my parents had this door covering, vintage 70s/80s.  It was a full-size picture of old St. Nick complete in his holiday garb. I couldn't even look directly at it because Santa was always making eye-contact with me...and reaching out to me.  Open the door it was hanging on?

Hell. No.

I searched the internet to see if I could find an image to share.  While my memories from that era are dim, I'm pretty sure I didn't find the actual one we had, because I didn't start sobbing uncontrollably.

I did find this, which is bad enough:

See you soon kids...real soon.

Then there's this unholy abomination from the 1980s:


That video is like The Ring, once you watch it, you have seven days to makes someone else watch it, or a dancing snowman will find you.

I would run screaming from the room whenever this commercial would air.  There is one very distinct memory I have of burying my head between our couch cushions and yelling as loud as I could until it was over.  I mean, for the love of God, why isn't the audio for this commercial just the two kids bloodcurdling screams at the sight of a monster dancing in some demonic ritual in their front yard.  WHY ARE YOU GOING OUTSIDE?!?!?!

I'm ok....really....

Even as an adult, I used to go for walks late at night, years ago.  One Christmas season, some family made this gigantic angel out of cellophane wrap or something.  It was easily ten feet tall, arms outstretched, featureless face.  I kept expecting it to rip itself loose and chase me down the street.  Silently, of course because it had no mouth.

Oh God, I just found another one.  Remember that Ronald McDonald ice skating one?  Where Ronald just happens to be skating in the woods at some pond where the local kids are heading.

He appears during a full moon, no less.
Oh, and that one about the kid who's a snowman and eats Campbell's soup and melts.

Or the kid is long gone, and the snowman is taking his form.

So, as you pack away your inflatable witches and styrofoam tombstones and start digging out your inflatable Santas and styrofoam igloos; take a good look at them.  And if you don't think they're the stuff of nightmares, I leave you with this:

What has been seen, cannot be unseen.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

For the Record

So I bought 2000 record albums last week…it was glorious.

After whittling out the duplicates and thrift store fodder, I walked away with about 200 gems.  That may not sound worth it, but it's tough tracking down decent vinyl these days.  Gospel/Christmas music from the 60s and 70s, however, continues to be abundant (and made up about one-third of the entire batch I picked up).

I've been asked why I bother, considering the fact that I have 15,000 songs digitally archived; and have no less than 3000 songs on my phone at any given time.

While I like to think I have a bit of talent at writing, even I can't come up with a term that can adequately convey exactly how godawful I am at music-ing.

So I'll just make one up...Musicsucktonedeaficness.  That pretty much captures it.

On the other hand, I do rule at listening to music.  Or at least I used to.

Since the dawn of the MP3, I've found myself listening to less music the more I have available.  Kind of like how you have your Netflix queue filled with hundreds of movies, but you keep re-watching seasons of Family Guy.  Or all those E-books you have sitting on your Kindle that you'll get to eventually.*

On my ten minute drive home from work yesterday, I cycled through at least 30 songs.  The longest point I stopped was on the Beastie Boys - Paul Revere.  After singing along for a minute, while trying to keep the other commuters from seeing me try to rap; I forgot the rest of the lyrics and switched to a new song.

Hang on…

My name is MCA, I got a license to kill!
I think you know what time it is, it's time to get ILL!

Oh yeah…I sang the crap out of that part.

Where was I?  Right, my non-existent attention span.

With records, I can't do that.  I'd have to get up and walk to the player every time I wanted to skip to the next song/album, and I'm way too lazy for that.  It's forcing me to slow down, savor my musical feast.

I listened to my James Taylor's Sweet Baby James and Carly Simon's No Secrets records all the way through the other night.  It was inconveniently awesome.

Never heard of those albums?  It's where Fire And Rain and You're So Vain comes from.  Two songs that are sitting on millions and millions of digital devices right now.  Orphaned from their album of origin, while most people only have this vague idea that Fire And Rain was on James Taylor's Greatest Hits and You're So Vain comes from that Pure 70s album**

For the first time, I sat and experienced the albums those songs came from, the way they were originally intended to be experienced.  Not just one or two tracks on a 70's playlist while mowing the lawn.

The digital age is great and all, and the Internet is way better than No-Internet.  But the other night, I actually sat and enjoyed music for music's sake once again, rather than using it as background noise.  And for that, I thank the vinyl gods for bestowing this bounty on me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go figure out what to do with 1800 records tying up my side of the garage.

But before that:

Nowwww here's a little story I've got to tell
About three bad brothers you know so well
It started way back in history
With Adrock, (M.C.A.) and me (Mike D.)!

Awww yeah.


*E-books are still awesome, especially Fractured: Arrivals; now available on Kindle and Nook!


**I am fully aware that I'm not properly italicizing song/album names.  Thank you Grammar Police.

Monday, October 5, 2015

Justice Blade 2016: Chapter 1...the Final Chapter.

The year is 2016, and mankind has fallen.

How? No one remembers.  The truth has been lost to the mists of last year.  All that's left is chaos and lawlessness.  Warlords rule over this fractured land; brutalizing their subjects and stealing their wi-fi, and using it to troll online forums anonymously.

I'm the only one who can stop them, and soon they'll face my flying sawblade...my Justice Blade.

I step on the central feet clamps, once again marveling at the technology that allows the blade to spin while I face forward.  This was humanity's greatest achievement, before the fall.  It's the only one of it's kind.  I can only hope I carry on the legacy of its creator Dr. Scienceman.

The blade rises in the air, and I launch off into the night sky.  Along the way I chop down the overgrown grass in ditches of the old, unused highway.  I know this will help local farmers prepare for winter.  For good measure I knock down several telephone poles, just because.

I approach the castle of General Villain, crashing through the window.

"Justice Blade," says General Villain, "to what do I owe the pleasure?"

"You killed my partner," I say, because he killed my partner.

"That was last week man," Villain says.  "You're still all bent out of shape over it?"

I really wasn't.  My partner was kind of a jerk, and always made fun of my whistle collection.

"I'll never forgive you."

I probably would have, for some cash. Until then, I'm outraged.

"You'll pay for your crimes," I say.

"Fine," Villain says.  "Would you accept prepaid gift cards?"

I would.

And as I fly away into the night, sorting through the cards, I can't help but think that justice has been served; and that I could totally make it to Taco John's before they close...get me a chalupa.

I. Am. Justice Blade...and I am hungry...for justice...and chalupas.